Haven’t been on here for long…

Maybe embarrassed, maybe alone, maybe felt like a failure. . .maybe the expectations was to high…

All excuses to justify my behavior of late…isolated myself to the point where it all got to heavy. The thing with sobriety is people are watching you, all the damn time, some because they look up to you and others watching waiting for you to fall!

I’m healing everyday from what broke me, but still life happens every single day, my finances are in ruins because of my past behaviour, that I think is what upsets me the most, like I literally cant sleep because of it, but it has to happen to show me life as I knew it,was over, every day is survival mode.

I’m ready for new ventures, to live my life to the fullest with my boys,in a new town,new environment ,with both their parents close by. That in itself is very stressful….but I think the hardest part of it all is to try and prove yourself to everyone all the time….I have seen both sides now, no matter what you do, you will never be enough for some, and they will always look for something wrong…

So by keeping up barriers, being private, putting your boundaries, you either look guilty or like you have something to hide, people will always talk, quick to judge,to point finger,to say listen I hear you are drinking again, not hey, how are you, would you like to talk,how is your kids, how is life? No the thing that broke you will most definitely define you, because you had the courage to out put up your hand and say listen I fucked up but I’m willing to fix it, and shit,let’s not fuck around here, you WILL fall,many a times!!!! You will make mistakes, you will fail many a times no one said it will be easy!!! It is what it is…Its a disease, like trying to quit smoking, trying to eat healthy, going to the gym, BUT!!!!! As long as you get up everytime and try again, over and over and over until you succeed….you are human!!!! We all make mistakes…some just dont have a audience watching them.

Yes I have falled, yes I do make mistakes!!! But I don’t hide them…..the expectations were huge,I’ve let many down, but I’m not a failure.. I’m stronger.

But at the end of the day it’s your life…you will answer to it one day, you don’t have to try and please everyone the whole time….depression is real, loneliness is scary, anxiety over finances is gut wrenching, and when you fall, just make pretty damn sure to get up again…don’t depend on anyone…your happiness is yours…its your responsibility to make sure that you are okay…

And let the people talk,and let them say I thought so and let me them indulge in that satisfaction….we all fall, hopefully their audience will be more sympathetic and understanding….

Cause life is hard…but as long as you get up every single time…you are doing your best…

Sobriety is a everyday one day at a time thing..I’m not the first, and certainly not the last.

But I won’t stop fighting.. so let them talk,let them judge…

As long as you try everyday, love yourself and doing your best, you are okay!!!!

I will continue until I succeed.

Gifts of Recovery!

Hi to all 2 of my followers🤣😂😋

So it’s been 6 Months sober for me on the 4th of October!Can’t believe how quick half a year has passed!! Let alone one whole year!!! My Baby Joshua will be turning 1 in two days time, and it blows my mind how quick this year went.

It has been a very Bittersweet year for me…All I can say is Thank You God!!! For Saving me, for making me realise I have to save myself, for Blessing me with this wonder child!! He is absolutely a miracle baby!!! He’s been conceived in the most difficult time of my life, not in the most admirable way and certainly not a easy time…But by the Grace of God, he gave me this gift that quite possibly changed every fibre of being….This child saved me!!!

If it wasn’t for him and my other two boys Simon and Markus, I think I wouldve been well on my way to the grave…

I will lay my life down for them…each day spent with them is the greatest gift ever!!! Worth every struggle of everyday…but I’m doing it healthy and sober. People came, people left…the booze was no longer an option as a crutch, miracles started to happen and today im well on my way to a very welcome new beginning!!! Well im already living my new beginning…new surroundings, new job, dear dear dear sincere friends that never left my side. My boys with me everyday, with recovery comes gifts!!! Lots and lots and lots of them…

There are still very hard days, but this time around I’m not doing it alone…asking for help…living transparent, speaking my truth, setting my boundaries and standing up for me, my children and what I believe in…I’m standing up for every person out there fighting battles no one knows about…woman suffering abuse, divorces, woman yearning to be mothers, people with depression, addictions and so much pain and suffering…I’m doing all of this for you. You are not alone….

So in celebration of my 6 months sober, my baby’s 1rst birthday and my home finally happy and full, I dedicate this blog to each and everyone out there…

Life is a gift.

Cherish it…

Happy Birthday my beautiful Joshua!

Always be brave, bold,fearless and know that you are loved more than anything in this world…you are a miracle…you guys are the reason for my existence and I dedicate the rest of my life to you three….Sober one day at a time.

Acceptance is Key!


Hope everyone is still doing fantastic!

Well I was 5 months into my Sobriety on the 4th of September! Super proud but most of all genuinely Grateful!! To my God! For all my Blessings, support, and strong WILL! This path I have chosen sure as hell was not easy, but so worth it!!! I can breathe again.

I have my 3 beautiful sons with me, and everyday with them are such a gift! I cherish every single moment, even the ones where I sometimes feel I could kill them….But all of this is for them!!! And for myself!

These 5 months definitely weren’t without challenges!!!

Geez!!! One door opens, another one shuts!! One day Sunshine, one day pouring!! One day uphill, the other downhill!!! And inbetween the chaos, pausing just to figure out am I still doing this right….but truth is, there is no wrong or right way to do this….life is not always easy and as long as you show up, keep your promises, admit your wrongs, and accept your powerlessness over your addictions, well done to you!!! I take my hat off…..

The key here is Acceptance.

Acceptance of what the situation holds. Acceptance of the outcome. Acceptance of what was. Acceptance of what will be will be…Acceptance of good days and bad!!! Acceptance of the choices made, bad or good. Because at the end of the day. We cant change a thing. And when you rest in that knowledge in accepting whatever challenge you may face, the only thing you cannot accept is giving up!!

So to everyone out there, love yourself, choose boldly, be courageous, speak your truth and be kind…In a hard hard hard world, just be kind…and ACCEPT you are fearfully and wonderfully made!

Love you.


I’ve got this!

Haven’t written on my blog for a while….

Not because of a lack of interest, but because life happens and as we learn in recovery, you have to face life on life’s terms. Not yours, not other’s! Lifes terms!

This was a month filled with extreme emotions! Up and down! Joy, panic, love, sadness but mostly filled with extreme gratitude and thankfulness.

Today I am 4 months sober.

And the reason for my being, my three beautiful boys are back with their mom, back where they belong and my days are filled again with laughter,shouting, dirt, nappies, bottles, toys, schooltrips and lots and lots of cuddles and kisses!

I stand in Awe of all my Blessings. My Saviour God, for every single miracle that happens every day in my life. For the music that has been restored in my soul, for making my house a home again. And for strengthening me in ways I never thought possible.

For everyone out there, fighting a battle that no one else knows about, I want you to know this. No matter how dark your tunnel, I promise you, your light will come! I am a firm believer that we are formed and moulded in our toughest times! And for such and expensive, hard, traumatic lesson, I’m sure as hell, taking nothing for granted ever again! Spreading the hope.

I have got this!

Get up! Show up!

So I’ve been a bit out of action! Not hiding! Just dealing with life in general! Some of it hard, some filled with so much love, some stressful, but mostly hard as fuck!!!

Yes! When I’m dealing with something tough! I tend to pack it far away, and showing everyone how strong I am!! This is a very toxic way of dealing with hardships! As I was just reminded again!!! And not the way I want to do life this time around!!!

Dealing with this very hard issue, I fell very sick! My body just said! SHUTDOWN!!! NOW!! It was only then that I did a internal inventory!! I’m not okay, and it’s okay to not be okay!!! But I’m so super proud of myself for not reaching for the bottle!! I played the movie! One glass! Feel free for five minutes!! And then what? The guilt, the anxiety, the fear of being a failure!!! And the same difficulty still there only ten times bigger!

So I surrendered!!! It is what it is!!! I’m not a failure!!! I will not stop fighting! I’ll stay calm like the lady I am! I will feel every second of it. I will get up and I’ll will show up! God is standing behind me, next to me, under me, on top of me, inside of me!!!! If He is with me, who can be against me!! Woman of God!

Then thank you for the most Wonderful woman I have the honor of knowing! (You know who you are) For backing me every single step of the way!! Cheering me on! Supporting me! Laughing with me, crying with me!!! And yes just sitting in silence sometimes…just being there for one another! You are an Angel!!! And I Pray that your path will be filled with Blessings for the rest of your Life! I Love you!

My Family! For the first time in a very long time, I can say we are family!!! Love you all!!!

The man in my life!!! I dont even have to say alot! Because us you can’t define! No word can ever describe what we have. Thank you so very much for being you!

So I’m 5 days short of coming up on my 90 days Sober!!! 3 Months of absolute growth, learning, change!!! The best gift I ever could’ve given myself!!! And yes I can finally say!! I love this woman. I care for her! She is amazing! Self love, cause without this you can’t love anyone else!!! And if you are not okay, your loved ones wont be okay!!!

So only for today, get up! Show up!!

Tommorow is a new day, with new possibilities! But that is tomorrow!!!

So Today!! Be the best you that you can be!!! Its not always easy! But your a Woman! The most amazing creature God ever created.


Today is a very big day for me…60 days clean!!!

Today’s Blog I dedicate to all the special men in my life!!

First of all, me and my dad never really had a relationship, due to alot of factors…Recently he had a very big life change, and soon after my big life change happened. I want to give a special shout out to this man, who is still fighting his own battle, for supporting me every step of the way, every phone call every SMS, every word of motivation, every “I Love you!” Thank you Dad!!! For the first time in my life, I feel really really loved and supported by the right man. My Farther! I salute you and I love you. I thank our Father in Heaven everyday for restoring this relationship! For every girl needs to always be made feel that she is a Princess and that her Dad thinks the world of her! Then no other man will ever make her feel any less than that!

I want to thank God for my three beautiful little boys!! Without them I never would’ve made the decision to turn my life around 380 degrees! You three are my absolute saving grace! You are my life! You are my reason for living! You are the most important, the biggest responsibility, and the greatest gifts I ever recieved!!! If I did not do this for myself, i definitely did it for you three little princes! If nothing else, I just want for your three to one day be able to say “We loved her, and she did her best for us, she always put us first.” I will do everything in my power to protect you, love you and bring you up as gentlemen who will always treat any women with respect! I love you three with my whole whole heart!!!

And then for my “Special Person!” I firmly believe that this man was sent on my path for reasons that are still unknown to me!!! This man is fighting his own demons, things that he forgot, I’m only learning now!! Our paths crossed in a very deep dark place. I know it’s not recommended to form bonds, in this deep dark place in your life, and that you have to focus on your own healing, your own recovery and your own sobriety! While doing this, working on ourselves and trying to better ourselves, something between us happened that we were totally oblivious to! It was only after leaving, let’s call it the “place that changed everything for me” that we started really speaking! I found myself relating with this person, feeling his emotions, sharing mine, the good, the bad, and the absolute worse! We learned things about each other, and understood things about each other that people in our lives didn’t get for years!!! In a matter of weeks! I felt for the first time that I am worthy, that I am not my bad choices, that there is really terrible things that happens around us that is totally unknown to us, and much worse than our own “problems!” This man changed my views and perceptions on life in a way I that I could never have imagined! There is no label that you can put on this relationship! It’s not friends! It’s not romantic! It’s not all smiles and laughs! It’s real honest, raw, emotion!!! Laughter! Pain! Tears! Love! I dont know..we still dont know. All I want to say is thank you! Thank you for understanding without me having to explain. Thank you for making me feel better with actions and not with words. Thank you for your unconditional support! Thank you for being my safe place. Thank you for a love that I have never known. Thank you for the music! Thank you for the jokes….Thank you that I can only be me, myself and I with you!!! Without any subtance!!! Thank you. I love you!

Society has this thing, where if you going through a difficult time, you always have to blame it on someone else!! That’s bullshit! We also hurt people! Woman tend to blame the man, I know! I was one of them. But I had to step out of my denial, take responsibility for my actions and fix what I have broken as well. Not all men are bad…not all our faults and flaws stems from a man…These men in my life, is the reason I wake up everyday, want to make a difference and love with my whole heart unconditionally! To be the change!!!

My Heroes!!!

Lifes Little Surprises!

So today I’ve been sober for 1 month 23 days!

And life could not be better! I cant help to notice all the small miracles happening in my life! The signs, the endless opportunities!!! Everyday whispering in my ear! Today is your day…the change is in your hands. And the conscious decision I have to make every single day to not have that glass of wine…the cravings aren’t there, and I’m thankful!

The small stuff , that’s what matter the most! My baby’s hands in my hair, my little boys picking me flowers telling me how beautiful I am! A special person treating me like no one ever has…The Lord protecting me every second of the day. A small surprise holiday to Bangkok! Wow life is truly amazing and when all the drama and substance abuse finds it’s way cyphering out of your life! The view is spectacular!

Thank you for small mercies. Big opportunities and embracing every single gift life gives me.

Blessed with new beginnings.